Reflections

New Years Eve is always a time for reflection on the last year, as well as thinking of all the hopes and dreams for the coming new year.  For many, this is a happy time of the year, to appreciate and celebrate all the great things that they did or accomplished throughout the year, but for many, looking back can be painful and bring back many feelings and memories they'd wish to forget. This year, we move forward; no looking back!

J and I have come SO far in the last year, going through three fertility clinics, six (unsuccessful) inseminations, and ten disappointing, heartbreaking negatives. Instead of looking back with distasteful feelings, I look back with a smile. Through all the bad times, we also had one very good time that trumps it all. One very successful IVF cycle. And for that, 2011 was a GREAT year! We also discovered the strength and love in each other and our family and friends; I wouldn't take that back for anything!

A few things I learned in 2011:
- You can't plan for everything in life
- Never underestimate the power of love and friendship
- Don't judge someone; you have no idea what may be going in their life behind the scenes
- Patience is the greatest virtue
- Never. Give. Up.

I hope all of you can reflect on 2011 and look past all the bad things that may have happened and look deeper. Going through hard times do teach us things and make us better people. Unfortunately, it's never easy, but does and will pay off. Good things happen to good people.

So it's time to say goodbye to 2011, a year of lessons, hardships and many memories and time to embrace the coming new year. A new year of more lessons, some hardships and many memories, good and bad to come. Bring it!!

Best. Christmas. Ever.

Everyone has a Christmas they'll never forget. It might have been when you were 7 years old when you got your first Cabbage Patch doll or when you were 15 and got your own phone in your room or even your first diamond necklace from your fiance. I had many Christmas' growing up that will always stick in my mind, but this year, Christmas was unforgettable.


J and I have been through ALOT the last few years, but it's definitely brought us closer than ever and a stronger couple. I have no doubt we could get through anything. Since we weren't sure when we'd have time to be alone over the holiday weekend, we cheated and opened our presents on Thursday night. I was glowing when he handed me a velvet box. And inside, a journey pendant; representing all that we've been through..and better yet, what's to come! I love him.


We had our Christmas wish and it was granted a month earlier with our positive pregnancy result. However, we couldn't tell anyone until now and it was really hard! Our Christmas cards went out after our 8 week appointment when we saw the heartbeat for the second time, but the cards didn't make it to the Miller family. They had to wait until Christmas Eve when we could break the news to them in person.

My mother announced we'd open presents before dinner and of course everyone was like "why are we opening presents now?!" So the last present to be opened was for my grandparents from J and I. It was a picture frame that said Great Grandparents. My grandmother opened it and she was a bit confused, but my aunts and cousins definitely were not. It took a few minutes to set in and then the screams, the tears and the jumping up and down started! The reaction on my family's faces was unforgettable. The joy in their tears was so very touching. And the love I felt from them....I can't wait for Baby Barrett to be a part of that.

I am so very blessed this Christmas and love my family and friends more than ever!

Week 8: Graduation!

Monday, December 19th 

J and I had our second ultrasound this morning and I'm officially 8 weeks. Only 32 to go! Baby Barrett measured 1.5 cm and had a heart rate of 164 bpm, right on track! Our cute little blob is now much bigger. We were glued to the screen seeing our little "gummy bear" in there. It's starting to feel more real now.

We also met with our Dr. again and he gladly said everything looked perfect. Our miscarriage rate is below 3% and he said this appointment can be considered just like our 12 week "all clear". With our five frozen embryos, he said "we're set for life" and although we hope to naturally get pregnant in the future, we know we have beautiful embryos ready at anytime to grow our family. We feel so very lucky to know that our future journey will never be as difficult as it was to get here and for that, we are so very thankful.

Today we also officially graduated from our fertility clinic. Whoo hoo!! This feels just as good as my college graduation day, just in a slightly different way :)
After all that we've been through (including three fertility clinics), it was always so hard to envision this day, this step in our journey. The thought of never stepping in another fertility again (hopefully) is so unbelievably exciting. However, it was also bittersweet. We loved our IVF clinic, the nurses, our Dr and wish they would be there for the rest of the pregnancy. However, we know that they specialize in one thing, getting women pregnant!, so it's best they stick to that and help all the other women who are still awaiting for their miracle. I have no doubt they'll do everything in their power to try and make those dreams come true. They sure did for us!

Next appointment is with my OB next week. I wonder if my OB remembers who I am? It's been over two years since we last met and discussed our next options for getting pregnant. I hope she has alot of time, there's a lot to tell!

Week 6: First Ultrasound

Wednesday, December 7th 

Today we got to see the little heartbeat! There's definitely a baby in there with a strong little heartbeat..yeah!!! Baby Barrett measured 0.625cm with a heartbeat of 127bpm - all is perfect for 6 weeks! It's not much to look at, kind of a blob, but still a perfect blob to me - I'm already envisioning our beautiful, healthy baby.

It's amazing something so tiny has a heartbeat. Four weeks ago it was just a clump of cells in a petri dish, waiting for my warm belly and now it has a heartbeat - truly a miracle!

I feel really good and consider myself very lucky. Other than sore breasts and being really tired, it doesn't seem that I'm truly pregnant! And you won't hear me complaining about much, it took so much to get here that I'll embrace every symptom and every step of the way and truly enjoy this pregnancy. You can hold me to it!


We come back in two weeks for another ultrasound before we move on from fertility to OB. Can't wait to see the little guy/gal again!

Confirmation

Wednesday, November 23rd


Today it was confirmed. I'M REALLY PREGNANT!!! YEEAAHH!!!

Of course I didn't get the call until 2:15 pm, making it a long day, but it was definitely worth the wait to hear the nurse tell me "Congratulations, your due date is July 31st!"

My first beta was 215.2 and my second was 608.8 - the numbers are great! I'll have my first ultrasound in two weeks and at that time, we'll get to hear the heartbeat and get our "all-clear" to switch back to our OB/GYN clinic.

So for now, the tears keep coming and the contentment in life keeps growing. Is this really happening?! Will I ever stop crying?!

D-Day: The Results

Tuesday, November 22nd

It's been a week and a half since the transfer and thankfully we've been really busy so the time has gone by pretty fast. I was traveling in Seattle for work last week, and then J's uncle passed so we spent a lot of time with family over the course of the weekend, and our minds and hearts were with them.

Yesterday was my first appointment for bloodwork to get my first beta. They measure my levels of hcG, which is the "pregnancy hormone" but won't tell me anything until my second beta on Wednesday. This way they can measure the levels again and confirm they are doubling as they should and that I am truly pregnant or not. If my levels aren't doubling, it could be a chemical pregnancy.

This morning I made the decision to "cheat" and take a home test. I was dying to know and even though I would find out tomorrow, I couldn't wait. I woke up before my alarm and didn't hesitate to get out of bed. I turned on the shower, and before I jumped in, I peed on the stick. I set it on the toilet seat and got in the shower and just stood there in the water...heart pounding...and not sure what to do. Do I look at it? What's it going to say? Can I handle the disappointment? I couldn't avoid it so I peeked out the shower and stared at the test....

I immediately lost control. OH MY GAWD!! I'm PREGNANT!!! I was bent over in the shower, could barely hold myself up and was hysterically bawling. I just kept saying over and over, "Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God."  I will NEVER forget this moment.  

I barely got myself together to finish my shower and then got ready while I waited for J to come down to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and I looked at him and pointed at the test. He said "I told you not to take a test!" (he didn't want me to take a home test incase it was wrong). I told him I couldn't wait and he said "Well, what did it say?!" I told him to look at it and the look on his face was priceless. His first response was "Oh My Gawd! How accurate are these?" I assured him 99.9% and he was too happy to even say another word.

I know I have my second beta tomorrow, but I already know the results :) Now I have to hold it together and keep it a secret when all I want to do is shout it from the rooftops!! I'm pregnant!!!!!

Time to Relax

November 12-13th 

Bed rest for two days?! What a great excuse to get caught up in girlie movies, let the laundry and cleaning sit there with no guilt and really just relax and enjoy the weekend. Well, that's what I thought it would be like, but it really wasn't that easy. I'm definitely not used to being lazy and being forced to lay in bed all day.

Thank you to some great coworkers who gave me a nice little bedrest gift bag filled with some gossip mags, popcorn, chocolate cookies and a bottle of alcohol-free wine.

And thanks to another girlfriend who came to hang out with me for a few hours. It was a nice distraction and I got to introduce her to Season 1 of Modern Family - love that show!

Most importantly, I have to thank my awesome husband. He was so patient with me and got me anything I needed and even if he was annoyed, he hid it well. But I know he can't wait for Monday when I'm back on my feet and no longer at his beck and call.

I knew the importance of taking it easy and keeping my body as relaxed as possible so I did it with as few complaints as I could, but I can't wait to get out of the house on Monday morning and go to work! (I bet you'll never hear me say that again!)

Now we just need to get through another week and a half before we know if our dreams will come true! Good thing I have a work trip next week, that should help make time go by faster and keep my mind busy.

Keep the prayers coming!!!

Transfer Day

Saturday, November 12th

The Big Day. Transfer Day!!!

Once the follicles (eggs) are taken on retrieval day, they are also fertilized the same day. Then they are closely monitored to watch their growth and development to determine their quality. It's common to lose a few during this process or for some not to make it past fertilization, so it's always good when they get many follicles during retrieval, however, it's about quality, not quantity. After monitoring the embryos for a few days, transfer day is then determined. They can do either a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer and it all depends on how many embryos you have and what quality they are.
On Thursday we got the news from the clinic that our transfer would be today, Day 5. This was already a good sign for us as it meant:
a) we had enough embryos to "risk" letting them mature to Day 5
b) the embryos were strong enough to make it to Day 5 and thus, be more mature and ready for implantation

We met with the embryologist first and that's when we learned that they had taken 8 eggs during retrieval and 7 made it through fertilization. We'd be transferring one embryo today, which had a quality of 1.5 (on a scale of 1 being high quality to 3 being low).  We also had another really strong embryo that would be frozen today and the others would be monitored another day to determine which would be strong enough to freeze.

And then he handed us a picture of our embryo. Could this be our baby's first picture?! It doesn't look like much, but it's amazing that this bundle of cells could be our future child!!
You can also see it's started "hatching", which is perfect for transfer as it's getting ready to implant!

The transfer was quick and easy. Although I'd had 6 prior inseminations, this was so different knowing that we had an actual embryo now inside of me. Before we left the clinic, they gave us an ultrasound pic of where the embryo was implanted. You can see a little "+" of where they put it, and the small oblong area is the uterus.

Now it's time to go home and rest and relax. I'll be on complete bed rest for two days and we don't have our bloodwork for another week and a half, so really hoping I can keep my mind occupied and the time goes fast. It's hard not to think about everything when you are just lying around all day! But we had seen this embryo and now are totally focused on keeping it alive. A weekend of relaxation is nothing if it will help make our dreams come true!

Retrieval Day

Monday, Nov 7th

Retrieval Day!!  A bit scared, anxious, nervous and definitely excited as this is one step closer!

The hardest part is the lack of food and water. Since I'll be under anesthesia, I couldn't eat/drink after midnight. No fun. There were five retrievals today, including mine, so the clinic was definitely busy. However, I love the staff and they made me feel totally comfortable and as relaxed as possible. The anesthesiologist was the nicest woman and we had a fun little chat. She reviewed what meds I'd be having for my "little nap" and one of them was Propofol, which I'm sure you've all heard of since that was the drug that killed Michael Jackson. So I had to ask the nurse if she got questioned by other patients about using that drug and of course she did. So we chatted about how unethical it was for someone to be treating Jackson with such a strong drug outside of a clinic setting and constant monitoring. I knew I was in good hands so didn't bother me in the least what she was giving me. Plus I was starting to get a bit nervous, so perfect timing for a drug-induced nap.

For a refresher, the retrieval is when they go in through the vaginal wall and then go into the ovary with a tiny needle that is connected to a tube. They "poke" each follicle and "suck out" the egg (very technical description), which goes into a test tube and is then brought to the lab to be fertilized by the sperm; that process is called ICSI.  During ICSI, they take one sperm and remove the tail (so it won't harm the egg) and inject it into the egg, thus fertilization occurs.

The procedure was only about twenty minutes, but could've been an hour for all I know, I was sound asleep. Unfortunately I woke up with some sharp pains but nothing a little pain meds via IV can't fix. Once I was able to get some crackers and juice down, it was time to go home and rest. I had great support from a Fertility Friend who was my chauffeur and my support, since my hubby had to work and couldn't be there. She dealt with my nausea the whole car ride home, but got me in my house, on the couch and made sure I was comfortable before she left. I owe her! I don't do well with anesthesia on an empty stomach so I did get a bit sick after she left, but slept it off the rest of the afternoon and felt much better by early evening.

I wish I had more to tell, but at this time I don't know how many eggs were retrieved and how many were mature and made it to fertilization. Just need some patience as I'll find out in a few days when our transfer is and how many embryos we have.

Heading to bed and thinking about all the little embryos we have growing right now...just waiting for a nice warm, comfy spot in my belly.

Cycle One Journal

Saturday, Oct 29th
Today was first day of injections. Needless to say, I was a little overwhelmed and anxious. I woke up around 6am thinking about it and after lying in bed awake for a few more hours, decided I might as well get up and give it a shot, literally.
Good thing I had extra saline and needles as I went through a few trying to remember how to mix my meds. And good thing I found the step-by-step instructions cause it really wasn't that hard once I figured it out. I can totally do this!

Monday, Oct 31st
Bloodwork today. I must be responding well as they've dialed down my injection doses a bit. Starting to feel bloated and pressure in my lower abdomen but all is going well so far and I'm now becoming a pro at injections (not sure if this is a good thing though!).

Wednesday, Nov 2nd
Bloodwork and ultrasound today. Good thing I don't mind needles or getting my blood drawn since it seems my veins hide when I get to the clinic for bloodwork now, so a few attempts were needed this time. The ultrasound showed seven measurable follicles in the right ovary and three in the left with many smaller ones in each. I'm feeling good with ten follicles. But now we're also adding two more injections in the evening. My belly and I are not excited about this at all. Starting to get really sore from the injections!
The pressure in my lower abdomen is now very...heavy. It's so hard to explain. Each step I take, I can feel it in my ovaries. I swear they must be the size of plums by now! It's definitely uncomfortable and I can see why they don't want you working out. There is no way I could move fast or abruptly so I'm just taking it easy and taking my time so I don't agitate my follicle-filled ovaries. 

Friday, Nov 4th
More bloodwork and another ultrasound today. Very good news! My follicles are looking good and will be ready for retrieval on Monday!! Also good news that my injections are almost over, it's becoming painful and not sure how much more my belly can take. Definitely some bruising going on :(  I literally dread injection time.
So now I just need to get through the weekend; can't say I've ever wanted Monday to come fast enough!

Patience

I've learned so much about myself the last few years. I guess it's true, sometimes the worst brings out the best in us. 

For those of you that have known me, would probably agree I have many Type A tendencies: ambitious, agressive, controlling, impatient, highly competitive. But hey, it was who I was and it helped me achieve so much of what I wanted in life. But it turns out that no matter what I could do, I still couldn't quite achieve my true dream, my dream of being a mother.

The last few years have put us through more than I ever imagined and that changed who we are. I'll always be ambitious to achieve my goals and perhaps a bit competitive, but I've definitely learned that I can't control everything.  In fact, a lot of our lives isn't in our hands or in our control and that can be a hard thing to let go of and accept. Without control, you have no other choice but to learn patience. They come hand-in-hand. And for that, "Patience is the greatest of all virtues" (Cato the Elder, 234 BC - 149 BC).

I've learned to accept and embrace patience and although it's not an easy thing to do, it does make things easier. I don't think I'll ever truly rid myself of being alot like a Type A personality, but now I'd like to think of myself as a nice mix between A and B. At the end of the day, I'm a better person inside and out, and for that, I'm thankful.

Water logged

It's been recommended to me by a friend, as well as my Dr, to drink 6-8 glasses of water a day. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal and really not that much water, but let me tell you, it is!!
This is something everyone really should do, but I'm putting more priority on it with all the medication I'm on and really trying to keep my body healthy and ready for baby.

I have already mostly cut soda out of my life, other than my one Diet Coke at lunch. (It's my treat each day!) I know how bad soda is, the sugar, Aspartame, caffeine, but I figure my one a day is okay. I don't drink coffee, so other than water, I typically have milk with dinner and if I want something sweet, I'll have juice. I also discovered Hansen's soda at Trader Joe's, which is a great alternative to soda since it's all-natural. Even better they carry it at Costco now too! 

But really I need to make sure I'm drinking more water, so that's what I'll focus on doing. I determined that eight glasses equals four bottles of water. I can do that! I started a tally on my whiteboard at work, as long as I drink two bottles at work, then I'll make sure to drink two more when I get home. It's actually going really well! I have to consciously keep track of what I'm drinking all day and keep reminding myself to drink, otherwise I'll go hours without a sip of water.
One thing I didn't keep in mind was one of the medications that I'm on. One of the side effects clearly states "Increased Urination", though it should really say "Warning: Bladder Is Always Full". Let's just say that although I'm doing really great on my water intake and meeting my daily 6-8 glasses per day, I'm also in the bathroom much much more. Not a fan of getting up twice in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, but hey, I better get used it :)

Be Back Soon!

I've really enjoyed sharing our journey with all of you and especially the next step we've taken, but now that we've started our first IVF cycle, it's time for a little blogging break.

We've decided to keep our retrieval and transfer dates to ourselves since we find things out much earlier than most. I'm sure you can understand, we don't want to share good news too early and if there is bad news, we'll share when ready.

However, I will keep writing on how the cycle progresses and post them later. And you may see random posts here and there!

Thanks for all the kind words, thoughts and prayers...keep them coming! Talk to you soon...and hopefully with good news!

Pills, and needles, and syringes! Oh My!

I had been prepped by the nurses of what to expect with my new medications, had instructions on how to use them and was told I should do inventory right away to make sure I had everything. The medications were ordered through a specialty pharmacy and were delivered so I immediately opened up the box to make sure everything was in there. As I started laying it out on the counter, I realized I wasn't prepped for how much there would be!

Welcome to Barrett Pharmacy.

In five of those boxes were vials of medication and also vials of saline since I would now be mixing my own injections. Two other boxes had my progesterone supplements. There were three smaller boxes with pre-filled syringes of who knows what and an even smaller box of my "trigger" medication (to induce ovulation). The bag was filled with syringes and smaller needles, since the syringes came with needles much to scary to dare stick in my belly. And I now had my own hazardous waste receptacle! Oh and pills, lets not forget the five bottles of pills with labels I can't even pronounce.

Good news was all the medication was there and now I needed to find a place to store it all! And this is all for only Cycle One? Oy!

Halloween Fun

Halloween is always a time for some good ole fashioned fun, no matter how old we get!
This year I decided to have a little fun with our journey, but wasn't able to talk hubby into dressing like my "donor". But he made a great Maverick!

I hope all of you were able to have some fun this Halloween weekend! I always look forward to all the little trick-or-treaters but the past few years was always bittersweet. This year however, I will be anxiously greeting them all with handfuls of candy and thinking of my little goblin soon to come....

The ABC's of IVF

I thought I'd take a step back for some of you who aren't as familiar with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and explain the process a bit more.

The first step is to stimulate the ovaries to increase follicle production, which is done by daily injections and other medication. During a normal cycle, you typically produce 1-2 mature follicles, but with stimulation, we're trying to produce 10-15 (inside each follicle contains an egg). During this time, I'm closely monitored with bloodwork and ultrasounds to make sure my ovaries aren't being over-stimulated and to watch the growth of the follicles.
Once they've matured, an injection of hCG is needed to induce ovulation, but instead of letting the eggs naturally ovulate, they are retrieved through a minor surgical procedure (called follicular aspiration) which uses ultrasound imaging to guide a hollow needle through the vaginal wall and into the ovaries. The eggs are removed from the ovaries using the hollow needle and stored in a vial. Don't worry, sedation and anesthesia are used for this procedure!
For insemination, we've chosen to use a procedure called intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). Through this procedure, a single sperm is injected directly into an egg to achieve fertilization. It's amazing what they can do with such small cells! This almost ensures fertilization, rather than putting the eggs and sperm into a petri dish to duke it out. Once the eggs are fertilized, we now have embryos!
The embryos are closely monitored for cell division and allowed to grow for 3-5 days. During this time, the embryos are "graded" for quality and the decision is made when to transfer them and how many. Some embryos may not make it through this process and the ones that do and are not transferred, will be frozen for future cycles.
The transfer is much like the many IUI's I had, and is much simpler and quicker than the retrieval. And after this...the waiting game and the prayers begin. I'll continue with progesterone medication to balance the hormones in my body to support a pregnancy, if in fact a pregnancy occurred.
If we have a failed cycle, we can use our frozen embryo's for our next cycle(s) and if we don't have any frozen's to use, then we'll start the process all over again. And when we're lucky to achieve pregnancy, our frozen embryo's can be stored up to 10 years for use later in life when and if we decide to add to our family. Imagine telling your child they were once frozen!

Hopefully this quick overview helped! There is a lot to know and it still overwhelms me when I think about what we're going to be tackling, but knowing we're one step closer to the end of our journey makes it all worth it.

IVF Cycle 1 - Let the fun begin!

I know it's been awhile since I last posted (sorry!), but we've just been doing the waiting game on my natural cycle, then a few weeks of birth control and finally our big Program Start appointment this morning. Now I have LOTS to post about!

Today we met with our new clinic and doctor to go over all our paperwork, do some pre-screening tests, review medication and discuss our protocol for our first cycle. And I thought the IVF seminar was information overload...not even close to what we reviewed today. After an hour and a half of paperwork, it felt just like when we closed on our house. Some big, expensive decisions to be made but the outcome will be so worth it.

We decided on a warranty program called HOPE. This includes three cycles and if after that we're still without a baby, we get our money back. Now that's a guarantee worth paying for! A cycle not only includes our fresh embryos, but if we have extra embryos to freeze, we'll implant those before moving on to the next cycle, so we have a lot of opportunities for this to be successful. Our program also includes all the weekly monitoring appointments (bloodwork and ultrasounds) as well as all the stimulating medication, which can be anywhere from $3-$5K per cycle. This program is perfect for us since our insurance doesn't cover anything. We know the cost upfront and have one payment so no more stress from medical bills in our mailbox. This allows us to solely focus on what we're doing, stay positive and stress free! (or at least we hope!)

After all the big decisions were made and we signed our life away (okay, it's not that bad), there were some pre-screening tests I needed to have. The first was a trial transfer, which is just a practice round of when they transfer the embryo(s). This allows the Dr. to measure my uterus so at the time of the real transfer, he knows exactly where to implant. For this I needed a full bladder, as that helps position the cervix, so after drinking a lot of water during the first half of the appointment, I was starting to get uncomfortable. As soon as the Dr. got started, he told me my bladder was too full and I needed to empty half of it. HALF of it?! How do you do that?! Turns out that if you can't stop and stand up, you will stop peeing. (in case you ever need to know)
Once that was done, I was able to finally empty my bladder before doing the sonohystogram. This test allows the Dr. to see my uterine cavity by filling it with saline and then doing an ultrasound. The saline simply 'inflates' the uterine cavity to check for polyps or cysts or anything irregular. Sounds worse than it is and everything looked great.

The last part of our four hour appointment (I told you it was information overload!) was reviewing all the medications and reviewing the protocol for our first cycle.
To give you an idea of the medication, here's my list (everything that is checked):

Did you get all that? I think I may have earned an MD degree after all this! I can't even pronounce some of them, but no need, I'll swallow and inject whatever I need to make this work. Ready to become a human pincushion!

You can help!

Many of my friends and family ask me how they can help. Of course all the emotional support I've gotten has been truly amazing - I am so lucky! - but here's another way that everyone can easily help.

Most insurance companies don't cover fertility treatment costs and trust me, it can get very expensive. The last thing a couple who is trying to conceive needs, is the financial stress of trying to pay for treatment. Although we have been lucky to have good jobs and are making it work, there are so many other couples out there, struggling with infertility who don't have the means to pay for treatment. We've had to make some big decisions and sacrifices in order to pursue fertility treatment and it has been very frustrating.
I don't wish this upon anyone and am trying to be an advocate for the infertility community. We need to get the government and insurance companies to hear our voices. I was not as lucky as most of you, being able to conceive and birth a healthy baby and this was not something I asked for. It's a true medical condition and should be treated as such by insurance companies.

I've added my signature to the letter below, presented by RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association (www.resolve.org). I believe people with infertility matter and I want to ensure that infertility treatment is considered an essential health benefit. I stress you to take three minutes out of your day to click the link and sign the letter. This support means a lot to everyone dealing with infertility.

Essential Health Benefits Letter

THANK YOU!

Magnet Fun

I love fun little finds and this one is just so fitting that I had to order one. If only it wasn't just a magnet as I'd love to just flash this the next time I hear "You don't have any children?!" or "When are you having kids??"

In case anyone else wants one: Magnet Fun - Forgot to have children

Decisions..

Last week we had two appointments. Monday we met with IVF Clinic #2 for a consult; to get an idea of their process, their program and to get a feel for the doctor. Although the clinic was very professional and the Dr. was really nice and knowledgeable, it all comes down to cost and the warranty programs each clinic offer. The first clinic, where I attended their IVF seminar earlier this month, has by far the best process and the best warranty program, so we'll be going with them. 

Exciting!, right? Well..not so fast. I came across another option that I needed to check out first, before we take the big leap with IVF.

I came across someone who went to a Chinese wellness clinic when she was having problems getting pregnant. She met with one of the clinic's doctors, who is trained in China and atop of her medical degree, was also a licensed acupuncturist and herbalist. During her consult and following appointments, the Chinese doctor found an imbalance and put her on a treatment plan of acupuncture twice a week, herbal supplements and some dietary changes. The dietary changes are what's interesting. She had to eat specific mushrooms each day and also eat three green apples a day; her body was missing specific nutrients and this would help get her back in balance. Like most Chinese medicine, it can take three to six months to get your body fully balanced, but after just five weeks, she was pregnant and carried to term and birthed a healthy baby!

As you probably know by now, I'm a big believer in natural healing, especially acupuncture and its affect on fertility and fertility treatments, so I had to check this out for myself. Could it be this easy?? Could I save myself the stress and expense of IVF and get pregnant naturally??

I checked out their website to make sure they were legit and was impressed by the information and knowledge this team of Chinese doctors had, so I made an appointment and met with them on Thursday.

The doctor I met with specifically deals with infertility and since she had a medical degree, she understood all the testing, medications and treatments that we'd already done up to this point. After hearing her background and the success they've had treating infertility, I was feeling good about this but was taken aback when she said I was her youngest patient at this clinic (they have five locations). She said she treats mostly women in their late 30's and more in their 40's and alot of them have done IVF without success. She even had a patient that was 46 and now pregnant! She understood my frustration of "unexplained infertility" and reassured me how common it was. She was totally confident she could help me so we discussed a treatment plan.

She told me to read a book “Fertility and Diet” since your diet can greatly affect your fertility. I've actually read about this already in another book, but was willing to do more research to find the right diet to maximize fertility. (pretty sure I'd do anything to increase fertility at this point!) She also told me to eat more fiber and veggies but didn't suggest any crazy dietary changes like I had heard, but every body is different.

She also recommended acupuncture sessions twice a week and herbal tea twice a day. Although there are herbal supplements, she preferred to make a mix of the herbs depending on my cycle and I would steep the herbs and make my own tea. However, this would be more expensive, but more potent and specific to my body and my cycle...oh, and she warned me that it would taste horrible. Lovely. So I thought maybe this would be okay...maybe this wouldn't be so bad....

She got the herbs together for my tea and was instructing me on how to steep the tea for my four day supply. Wait, only a FOUR day supply? Let's just say the herbs weren't cheap and when I started to add up the acupuncture sessions and the tea and the time commitment, was I really willing to do this? Was I willing to put everything on hold again for the next three months in the HOPE that this would work? The answer is no, no I wasn't. 

It's just too late. We've come so far in our treatments and felt we were finally getting closer to a solution and I just can't put everything on hold again. My patience has run out and I don't think I could do this to the full extent that I need to really make it work. If I had found this clinic in the beginning, for sure I would've done this before starting Western treatments, but for now, IVF is our next step. 

I'm really glad I researched this other option...cause I know that if for SOME reason, IVF doesn't work for us, that there is another option. I would be able to fully commit myself to making this treatment work. But...I don't think that I'll have to drink nasty tea every day. Our decision is made and it WILL work!

Passion vs. Obsession

 pas·sion  (pshn)n.

1. A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.

2. Ardent love.

3.The object of such love or desire or enthusiasm.

ob·ses·sion  (b-sshn, b-)n.

1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.

2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

Passion and obsession are two very different things by definition, although sometimes they can feel the same and it may seem hard to differentiate between the two. I also feel as though one can lead to the other and vice versa; myself being a perfect example of that.

Two years ago when we started this journey, I didn't think twice or worry about what was going to lie ahead for us. Of course I didn't really think it would happen the first month or anything, but I never thought we'd be here, two years later, still facing infertility, and without a happy, healthy, beautiful baby in our arms.

When first starting fertility treatments, I put my faith in what we were doing would work and after month after month of disappointment and heartache, I began to obsess. Part of that came from the research I had been doing on treatments and natural ways at making my body more fertile and the other part of it was my longing to make this work. It consumed my every day life. This was not a good thing and it made me feel worse and less hopeful. I couldn't figure out how to turn this obsession into something positive and helpful. It was like the more I learned and the more involved in the process I became...the worse off I was.

Somewhere along the way, I learned to let go a little bit and things got easier. I believe my weekly acupuncture treatments were a big part of this, they really helped me find my inner-self again. I also had to make the conscious decision to no longer obsess. I stopped spending so much time researching and finding information online and put all my fertility books away. I realized that I was already doing everything I could to make this work and although I wanted answers, obsessing wouldn't give those to me. I took those negative obsessive feelings and made them positive...made them passionate.

Being able to share my journey on here with all of you has been a blessing in disguise. It made me realize I'm no longer obsessed, but just passionate about my life and more importantly, the future of my family. The emotion I feel and the emotion I share with you is very real and very strong. My longing for a family has not diminished, but it no longer rules my life. I will continue on this journey and keep my passion alive because I know it will bring us a happy ending.

And thanks to a certain someone who recognized my passion and truly helped me come to terms with it. Sometimes its harder to see it in yourself and I'm lucky to have people in my life to make me realize differently.

Information Overload!

Last night I attended an IVF seminar at one of the clinics we're "interviewing". Being in Woodbury on a school night, Jason wasn't able to attend so my mom went with me; actually a perfect opportunity for her to gain more knowledge on what is to come...I'm definitely going to need her more during this!

Learning more about the process, the meds, the procedures, the risks and the costs...it was pretty overwhelming but so very helpful. It's unbelievable the technology they have to make this happen. The fact that they can extract your eggs from your ovaries and then take a single egg and a single sperm and inject it into one of your eggs is just amazing. I think if I were to go back and change careers, Science may have been a good one. Lord knows I know enough about fertility now and I could probably pass half the tests without taking one course. Hmm...Dr. Gretchen Barrett, MD, Embryologist - has a nice ring to it :)

My fears of the unknown have subsided a bit. Of course there is still much more detail as to my specific plan once we decide on a clinic and start the process. But at least now I know the drugs so I can research the effects, and I know the statistics of success and multiples, and I also how they retrieve the eggs, fertilize the eggs and freeze the embryos. It's like a little baby factory and I can't wait to be the next customer!

I am much more confident and maybe even a little bit more anxious to start. We have an appointment with another clinic in two weeks and after that, I think we'll be ready to make our decision on which clinic to go with.

One step closer....

Red Carpet Debut!

Here it is. My blog.
 I never really thought I’d ever be a blogger, and by no means, did I ever think I would be blogging about my journey to reach motherhood and the struggle it has been....and continues to be.

Until now, I’ve shared my journey and experiences with some family and close friends and they have been my shoulder to cry on, my cheerleading team and my sense and reason when mine has run out. But due to recent changes, I’ve decided to open it up further. I need to express my feelings, the good and the bad, and I need the support. I should have done this earlier, but am glad I can now share our journey with you and can only hope I am able to help someone else going through a difficult time.

It may be best to start from my first post to understand where we are now. We began our journey quite a long time ago, alot has happened and there is more to come.  

Enjoy!

And a big thanks to a certain "Fertility Friend" - you  know who you are! - for the inspiration and motivation to do this. Although I hardly know you, you are already dear to me and am glad we have each other for support.

Laughter is the best medicine

They say that "laughter is the best medicine". In that case, Girls Weekend this last weekend was just what I needed! I haven't laughed that much, that long and that hard in a very long time.
It was also great that my infertility issues didn't come up and didn't overtake conversation; everything was light-hearted and fun and that's what a Girls Weekend is all about! No kids, no husbands, no jobs and no medical issues. Just laughs :)  Once again, I felt like"me" again and can take this break and not think about what is yet to come in our journey.

Girls Weekend was so good for my mind, body and soul.
Thank you Girls!!

Epiphany!

Today is August 24th, 2011 and I have no idea what day of my cycle I’m on. 

This may seem like no big deal to most of you, but to me..this is HUGE!

I’ve been tracking my cycle for TWO YEARS. Every day for the last two years, I’ve known which day of my cycle I was on – if it was a hormone or ultrasound day and how close to ovulation I was… it's a vicious cycle that can drive you insane.

For once in the last two years, I feel FREE; I feel like myself again!  

Although my mind is always thinking about what is yet to come in our journey, right now I'm living my life every day and enjoying it again. This feels good.

The True Test

How did we get here? Why hasn't anything worked?? What's wrong with me????
Why am I being punished? Why am I being with-held from the one thing I long to have?!? What have I done to deserve this?? I feel so empty and lonely - why isn't God here when I need him most?

I don't have any answers and I don't think I ever will. Somehow, I just need to have faith. As if it were that easy..

I've always been a faithful person. I was surrounded by faith growing up and always believed. Up to this point, I had always felt God had given me a great life.
I thank my Mother for her faithful advice. This has been my true test of faith, and I will make it through this. I need to thank God for what I DO have. We have jobs that will allow us to make the next step in our journey and we have family and friends who are here to support and love us. These are things He made possible and she's right, I haven't thanked Him enough for these things, but instead all I've been doing is questioning Him and being angry with Him.

This is my test and I will pass it (hopefully ace it!); it's definitely broadened my faith and opened my eyes. I know one day I'll look back and see His plan more clearly.

The dreaded three letters: IVF

If you asked us at the beginning of our journey if we ever thought we'd be here, we'd look at you like you were crazy and confidently say "No way!". Well....we ARE here and I'm still not sure what to think. We've been through so much already in the last two years TTC and I know we can get through this together. It's hard for me not to go into this knowing it will work, cause that's what we did before and we were defeated, but I can't go into this knowing it won't, it just HAS to work. It could be our last chance, our last hope at having the family we SO desperately seek.

However, for now it's time for a little break, time to research our next Dr. and clinic and get our lives back in order.

And so our journey continues...

Decisions

Here we are. Decision time. We've exhausted Our Plan, all 6 inseminations have failed and we now need to make a decision on what we want to do next. Injections or IVF.

Injections will be pretty much the same game plan, but instead of pill-form hormones, its daily injections which I have no issues with self-injections, but the cost is much more per cycle. Injections will make me create more follicles, but I never had an issue with that up to this point. Is it worth spending almost double each cycle to make more eggs when we still don't know what the issue is?

IVF is ALOT more expensive and alot harder on the body. The process is much more aggressive but the results along the way are much more accurate and visible. We also get a guarantee that it will work, or we get our money back. Are we ready to spend that kind of money?

One last time

The Label aside, my fears, worries, concerns aside, this is our 6th and last attempt to make this happen and I am staying positive and hopeful! This just HAS to work.

The Label

Have you ever been labeled? It's a horrible feeling. Today that happened and I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm beyond frustrated.

Turns out my insurance company denied all claims from the new clinic, so nothing will be covered. Although the business office and myself had spoken to an insurance rep previously, they said I've now been labeled with Infertility and that means nothing will be covered. Not only do I now have a large balance due before our last IUI this week, I now have a label.

I can see it now, my manila medical folder with a BIG, red stamp across the front: INFERTILE.

What goes up, must come down.

Big. Fat. Negative. I think I've hit an all-time low in this journey. I truly thought this could have been it, but once again, my dreams, my hopes, my prayers...they're all gone.

I only have a few days to sulk before I put my happy face back on and start this all over again. How much longer can I emotionally handle this? I can't give up, I just can't...but it's unbelievably hard to keep going...

Good signs!!

Today I had a mid-cycle appointment to check my hormone levels and to see if I ovulated. This is the first time I've had levels checked after an IUI and I was SO happy with the results!
My progesterone levels are perfect, my uterine lining is perfect (even thicker than suspected!) and I for sure ovulated two follicles!!

Trying not to get too excited, but these are all great signs! One more week to go...

Good feelings for IUI #5!

Well, had IUI #5 with new clinic and I feel great! I think things went really smoothly, no cramping and I had an acupuncture session immediately after to keep my uterus relaxed...as well as myself. Now to just make it through the dreaded 2 week wait. Fingers crossed!!

New Dr. = Newly found Hope!

I love my new Dr/new clinic. For one, she's a total believer in acupuncture and supports all the changes I've made and second, she agrees to do the extra testing mid-cycle that I asked for. Yeah!! Why hadn't I found her earlier??

I was also SO happy to hear that my insurance would FINALLY cover some of the expense. The business office had spoken with my insurance company and shared the news that most of the bills would be covered and the others would be pre-pay; I can handle that! Up to now, we've paid 100% out of pocket and as I'm sure you can guess, it's not cheap. The financial stress has started so this will be a BIG relief for us.

We agreed to do at least two more cycles. Same thing: Femara, ultrasound monitoring, hCG injection, IUI. And she said if we wanted to continue on and do more, we could do that too.

After our two month break, I am totally ready to get back into this and focus on positivity. I have a good feeling!

A much needed break

I had two upcoming trips for work and wouldn't be around during the most important part of my cycle (ovulation!) so it was a good time for us to take a little break. This also gave me time to meet with the new Dr. at the new clinic and figure out our new gameplan.

During this 2 month break, I went back on the pill. I know, sounds crazy. Why on earth would I go back on the pill when I'm trying to get pregnant? Trust me, I feel the same way. I was in tears that first day I took that first pill. I pretty much had to force it down. I was doing the one thing that I knew would not allow me to get pregnant, however, I also knew the facts and the Dr. agreed. Getting back on the pill would give me a big hormone boost and improve my chances for the next cycle off the pill. Plus I wasn't going to be around Jason during ovulation anyways..so somehow, it made sense.

Knowledge is Power

Here we are. Four months after we began our journey and still nothing. Not even a glimpse of success, a glimpse of hope that what we are doing is working. Has all this emotional, financial and physical commitment done anything?? Will I ever be pregnant and get to share the joy of motherhood? I can't put into words the heartbreak we feel and the loss of hope we're going through.

The one thing I have gained these last four months, is knowledge. And knowledge is power...right? According to some...ahem Dr. Corfman...it's not.

I set another appointment to meet with Dr. Corfman to talk about the last four cycles, what changes we can make for our last two cycles to make this work, and to just get some re-assurance from him. As any person should for any medical issue, I did my own research on infertility (testing, conditions, treatments, etc) and I wanted to do some further testing to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. Why was this not working and what was wrong with me?? However, Dr. Corfman was not on the same page as me. He felt the treatment we were doing was efficient and although I asked for additional bloodwork during different stages of my cycle, he didn't agree, he thought it was a waste of time and money. He knew I was not here to talk about IVF as that was not an option for us at this time, but he still said to me "You should really starting thinking about IVF or adoption". WHAT?!? Not only did I feel you were giving up on me, but you even suggested adoption when we haven't even finished our six cycles! I looked at him and said "Am I a patient or a customer to you!". This meeting was over.

The next day I ordered my file and switched clinics.

Groupon meets Eastern meets Western

Have I told you how much I love Groupon? Well..I do. Other than the fact that I find myself spending more money than I should, on obscure deals of products and services I normally wouldn’t, it also led me to the discovery of acupuncture. This discovery was a blessing in disguise.

I bought a Groupon deal for an acupuncture clinic nearby that also had a fertility specialist and even after my first appointment, I knew I had found just what I was looking for and just what I needed to keep me going. I know I needed a relaxation plan and was hoping this could help, but I also had reservations. How could a bunch of tiny needles stuck all over my body really help me relax?? However, the fact I fell asleep on my first session and remained calm for days following, I was sold.

This also led me to another discovery in the form of a book:  Making Babies: A 3 Month Plan . 
This book has been like a bible to me and I recommend it to anyone facing fertility issues. I've had no control over my infertility, but this book allowed me to believe that I did have some control over things in my life that could greatly affect my fertility. It teaches you to mesh Eastern and Western medicine in order to take control of your Plan and maximize your fertility.

With these changes, I had a new outlook. I had hope again and I desperately needed that to keep continuing on our journey.

Losing Hope...

Well, it’s been three months of Our Plan and still nothing. Not even a glimpse of anything has happened and we're already half way through Our Plan. It’s been so hard to stay positive (which I know is so important to do) and it’s getting harder to believe this is going to work. Between the hormones, all the dr appointments and the fertility bills coming in…and no results…I’m starting to freak out. The last thing I need to deter me from getting pregnant is stress.

So I’ve decided to make some changes in my life.  Western, meet Eastern.