The True Test

How did we get here? Why hasn't anything worked?? What's wrong with me????
Why am I being punished? Why am I being with-held from the one thing I long to have?!? What have I done to deserve this?? I feel so empty and lonely - why isn't God here when I need him most?

I don't have any answers and I don't think I ever will. Somehow, I just need to have faith. As if it were that easy..

I've always been a faithful person. I was surrounded by faith growing up and always believed. Up to this point, I had always felt God had given me a great life.
I thank my Mother for her faithful advice. This has been my true test of faith, and I will make it through this. I need to thank God for what I DO have. We have jobs that will allow us to make the next step in our journey and we have family and friends who are here to support and love us. These are things He made possible and she's right, I haven't thanked Him enough for these things, but instead all I've been doing is questioning Him and being angry with Him.

This is my test and I will pass it (hopefully ace it!); it's definitely broadened my faith and opened my eyes. I know one day I'll look back and see His plan more clearly.

The dreaded three letters: IVF

If you asked us at the beginning of our journey if we ever thought we'd be here, we'd look at you like you were crazy and confidently say "No way!". Well....we ARE here and I'm still not sure what to think. We've been through so much already in the last two years TTC and I know we can get through this together. It's hard for me not to go into this knowing it will work, cause that's what we did before and we were defeated, but I can't go into this knowing it won't, it just HAS to work. It could be our last chance, our last hope at having the family we SO desperately seek.

However, for now it's time for a little break, time to research our next Dr. and clinic and get our lives back in order.

And so our journey continues...

Decisions

Here we are. Decision time. We've exhausted Our Plan, all 6 inseminations have failed and we now need to make a decision on what we want to do next. Injections or IVF.

Injections will be pretty much the same game plan, but instead of pill-form hormones, its daily injections which I have no issues with self-injections, but the cost is much more per cycle. Injections will make me create more follicles, but I never had an issue with that up to this point. Is it worth spending almost double each cycle to make more eggs when we still don't know what the issue is?

IVF is ALOT more expensive and alot harder on the body. The process is much more aggressive but the results along the way are much more accurate and visible. We also get a guarantee that it will work, or we get our money back. Are we ready to spend that kind of money?

One last time

The Label aside, my fears, worries, concerns aside, this is our 6th and last attempt to make this happen and I am staying positive and hopeful! This just HAS to work.

The Label

Have you ever been labeled? It's a horrible feeling. Today that happened and I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm beyond frustrated.

Turns out my insurance company denied all claims from the new clinic, so nothing will be covered. Although the business office and myself had spoken to an insurance rep previously, they said I've now been labeled with Infertility and that means nothing will be covered. Not only do I now have a large balance due before our last IUI this week, I now have a label.

I can see it now, my manila medical folder with a BIG, red stamp across the front: INFERTILE.

What goes up, must come down.

Big. Fat. Negative. I think I've hit an all-time low in this journey. I truly thought this could have been it, but once again, my dreams, my hopes, my prayers...they're all gone.

I only have a few days to sulk before I put my happy face back on and start this all over again. How much longer can I emotionally handle this? I can't give up, I just can't...but it's unbelievably hard to keep going...

Good signs!!

Today I had a mid-cycle appointment to check my hormone levels and to see if I ovulated. This is the first time I've had levels checked after an IUI and I was SO happy with the results!
My progesterone levels are perfect, my uterine lining is perfect (even thicker than suspected!) and I for sure ovulated two follicles!!

Trying not to get too excited, but these are all great signs! One more week to go...